Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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