I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize