I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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