My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize