I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just pee around me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
