why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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