She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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