my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just blew my weed a kiss
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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