i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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