i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
