There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
