under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry about my life...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
