I will die if light touches me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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