I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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