I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
