My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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