i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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