I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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