Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
