Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
