So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
