sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
