I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
