I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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