I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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