listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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