Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
