We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
