saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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