sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize