It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
