We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
