I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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