I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
