woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
