The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize