i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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