i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
