you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
