It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
