I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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