why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize