We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
