I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
