worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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