don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
