Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
