I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
