why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
