My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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