She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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