Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
