I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
