I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
