why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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