WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
