Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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