If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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