Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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