also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
