I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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