He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
